Bah Humbug

I don't know why I'm sending this out into the world. Guess I'm just tired of keeping things all bottled up. Haven't been a good Christian lately. Been struggling a lot. Getting confused by doctrine. I wasn't saved through a particular church. I was saved by Jesus. He brought me out of a dark hole. I was not brought up in a church, although, I went to church occasionally when I was young, not consistently; just occasionally. At about thirteen I found myself on the path to Wicca- witchcraft. It followed Science, which I loved. And so it fit with my 'beliefs'. I studied and participated in witchcraft throughout high school, college, and up until my oldest was about three. The more I studied the more logic began to kick in. I realized that if everyone was right, then no one was. If truth was relevant, then there really wasn't any truth and every ones' beliefs were just made up. Nothing was real. Therefore, in my mind nothing mattered. You live, you die, and worms eat you. That idea made me extremely depressed. I spirled down into a suicidal hole. Looking back I might have been suffering from the baby blues too. I don't know... What I did know was that I was not a good daughter, wife or mother. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't be better. If survival of the fittest was right, then I was definitely not the fittest and I would do everyone else good by not being here anymore. I had had thoughts of running my car off the road and making it look like an accident. Various thoughts went through my mind. One day I was sitting in the bathroom trying to get the courage to take a razor blade and slice my neck. I was So mad at myself, because I was too scared to do it. I remember feeling like a failure and a wimp, because I couldn't end my life. I remember yelling out to this "pseudo-God" as I had thought. I said, "If you are really there then prove it, because I just ain't feelin it." The next day I came home from a very difficult day at work. I was on the verge of collapse. My husband, who had not had a job and had been taking care of our kids at home while I worked was there for me. He knew I was on the brink, and he made the decision to take over. Now, I was brought up with the idea of a strong female role. That I should not rely on any man for my supper. And if you lived in the 60's, 70's or 80's there is a great likely hood you were brought up like that too. The idea that I should make the decisions in my family was permeated throughout our culture. Women should not rely on a man. And so I had lived my life that way; taking control, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan... I felt guilty leaving my kids to work and I felt guilty if I was to stay home. Guilt permeated inside of me no matter what I did or what choices I made. But on this day my husband stood up to me and told me how it was going to be. Thank God there are still cowboys in this world. I was going to stop my high paying career, and he was going to get a low paying one. He told me I was to spend some time with my kids, even if we didn't have the same standard of living that I was use to. Instead of arguing, I relented. I was too tired to fight. It felt good to give something over to my husband. It felt good for him and for me. God was in this, but I didn't know it yet.
We moved out of the big city to a small town. I began to experience God in supernatural ways. I know some of this is going to sound crazy. Some people will think I am, especially with the suicidal thoughts I had, but I know these things are real. You see, I did not believe in God AT ALL. I believed only in Science by this time. I was a sceptic. I questioned everything. Then these unexplainable coincidences began to occur. I began seeing signs that answered questions I had. I was talking with my husband in the car. I was saying we should have bought a lottery ticket. He was saying no. There before us the license plate of the car in front of us had the words shduv1 on it. It said- should have one! right when we were taking about it. My husband had decided to go to truck driving school. I did not want him to do this and was arguing with him about it. I come to a four way stop and there in front of me is a huge purple Freightliner with the word FAITH written on it. He is now truck driver and owns a Frieghtliner. I began to see Jesus signs everywhere. If it was just these two I would say, "yeh right." I would have questions in my mind and I would see a sign pinned to a tree with scripture references. They would answer the exact question I had asked in my mind! There are many many examples- too many that after a while I began to think it was more than coincidence.
My son had stuck pennies into my radio. Now I do not know the mechanics of a radio, but I think- not sure- that these pennies caused my radio to mess up. It would get stuck sometimes where the button wouldn't change the channel. I went to blare my radio one day, because I had just had it with the kids and I wanted to drown out their crying and carrying on. I pushed scan in a very angry way and the radio scanned to a Christian station. It would not change. I couldn't change the channel for weeks! If I wanted to listen to music I had to listen to the Christian station. I was SO mad. But soon the Words of the music entered in to my mind. My eye began to open.
One day while I was walking my kids around the block a lady with her own kids in tow stopped to wait for me. Now I had know idea why this lady was waiting for me. I was not a very social person. But I met her and we began to talk. Out of nowhere I asked her if she believed in God. She said yes and so I started telling this stranger these things that had been happening to me. She invited me to her Bible study. It was a CBS Bible study. I began to explore God's Word and argue with it. I argued a lot, but it seemed He always had an answer for me.
While at home going over the study ( I think I was reading in John-can't remember exactly) but I was arguing with God and I said once prove it! At that point someone knocked on my door. I answered it and there was about a 13 year old girl standing at my door. She asked me if I knew Jesus and handed me a pamphlet to let me know how to know him. I quickly and rudely grabbed the pamphlet and slammed the door on her. Then it hit me. Jesus was talking to me. He was knocking at my door. I went to take a shower and I broke. I decided to make the bungy jump and believe, and I begged Him not to hurt me. It has been a roller coaster ever since. There have been time I have felt like giving up. One time I was in my closet crying and begging God to send me help, because I didn't if He was listening to me anymore. the door bell rang right at that same moment. The kids ran to get me. I composed myself, but by the time I came to the door the person was already far down the street walking in the rain away. In the rain with no umbrella. He had long brown hair. I'm not saying he was Jesus, but I took it as answer from Him that he was listening.
When I first started reading the Bible I would have nightmares of demons. I had nightmares when I was kid too. The minute I started believing in witchcraft the nightmare stopped. I don't know why. But when I first started reading the Bible I would hear voices and whispers behind me. One night I was laying in my bed and I 'felt' my kids get into bed with me. My husband is not home night. He is on the road. So I assumed in was the kids. Actually felt them snuggle up to me. I turned to put my arm around them and they were not there. I thought that that was weird and I turned on the light to see if they were on the floor. No one was there. I got that stomach in knots feeling and called my sister, who had been a Christian for years before me. Believe it or not I use to think she was crazy. Anyway, she told me to take authority of it in Jesus name. I went through the house a said: "in Jesus name get out of my house" . I didn't ave anymore problems for a while. Occasionally, if I backslide and begin to doubt and then come back to reading the Bible again these same things will happen. I don't know why.
I'm back sliding now. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in April and I have been on tail spin ever since. I can't get out of it. I go through waves where I am reading the Word, but I have been battling whether I believe the scripture or not. I have been to so many churches- not because I don't like them- but because I want to know the truth. Each church has a different spin on it. I want to be solid in my faith, but I am getting confused with all the differences. I know people say to keep the main thing the main thing, but whether you believe in Calvinism or Armaneism has a lot to do with God's heart. I know scripture says who am I to question God's heart, but I feel like Frankenstein. Been depressed. Been mean to my neighbors-most all of them. Don't know what church to go to. Keep hearing man talking and not God. Want to be a hermit. I've prayed for forgiveness, but I feel so guilty for my words. How can God forgive me if I can't forgive myself. I denied Him yesterday. Because I didn't want my neighbor to associate Christians with people like me. Because I was not on my best behavior. I'm tired and I'm struggling with what is true. My poor kids. Jesus please help them not be as confused as I am. Please lift me out of this hole again. I don't have the strength. I have so tried to be the good Christian and good mother and participate in all the goings on. I really don't know how all these ladies I know can do it I just can't do it. I don't have the energy to do all the "right" things. Can't get out of this hole alone, but I don't want to be a burden either.