I know it

My cousin Jeneice Lynn Ikirt died in her room a few weeks ago.  She was only 21 years old.  Her death has torn my heart.  This is my second cousin to die tragically.  I guess I shouldn't say that.  All death is tragic.  I hate death.  It leaves us with such loneliness.  I use to look at it as a way of escape.  A way out of the miseries of this world, but not anymore.  It's wicked.  Death is darkness and there is no peace in darkness no matter how pleasant it may seem.  Some people embrace darkness. I use to.  I use to, until I became aware of its deception.  It is not my friend.  It is not a place to go to get away from the pain.  It is the place that causes it.  It is what rips the hole in our soul.  So, on second thought, I will not say she died.  She is sleeping.  Death did not take her.  I believe Jesus took her to be with Him.   He is alive and so is she.  We are the ones left lonely, because we forget this or do not know it, or choose not to believe it.  Some of us let the pain eat us away, because it is better than being numb.  Others seek out the numbness.  But that really is death, isn't it?  Numbness is death.  And so we actually do have walking zombies in this world.  Those that walk around dead.  I use to be one of those searching out drink to ease the pain.  I don't want to be one of those again.  However, sometimes the loneliness is So intense that I find myself searching out zombie land.  It is so easy to be deceived.  It is so easy to turn to Him and yet it is so easy to forget to.  What is easier-grabbing that drink, taking that pill or opening the book?  Grabbing the drink or taking the pill is so much easier, because opening the book hurts like hell. When you do so, you stand face to face with your demons.  They can be nasty little buggers.  Then also, you stand face to face with your God.  And the fear of Him can make you tremble. When we don't hear from Him, when we don't listen, when we want the pain to immediately go away-to feel better right now- then we find ourselves in the Hotel California.

'Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast ...'

But Jesus did.  The hole can only be filled by Him.  Only Him.  It doesn't take much to embrace Him. and yet it is so hard to do.  He stands there with outstretched hands accepting you no matter what.  And yet it is so hard to do.  Because to do so means we have to trust that He won't hurt us.  And we have been hurt so many times before that we don't believe that he really loves us. We don't love ourselves.  And yet we want pleasure for ourselves.  It comes down to faith.  You have to step out in it, even when it doesn't feel natural to do so.  Our natural tendency is to curl up in a ball and find a way to go numb, let ourselves get kicked down again and again or to fight like hell on our own accord until we collapse from exhaustion.  You have to feel the pain on its own.  All of it.  You have to feel the heartache.  And then you have to literally Give It Over to Him.  Trust baby, trust.  Do I do this?  Not always.  It usually has to get bad before I 'remember'.  How easy we forget.  But once I turn to Him, He takes me back in His arms and I know it will all be OK.  I know it will.

He took her.  She didn't die. I know it.  He took her, because she loved Him. He is alive and so is she.  I know it.